Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
