This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
