don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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