Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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