Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
