I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
