you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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