so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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