Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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