i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
