So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
