she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
