someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
this beer tastes like vomit already
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
