so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
