***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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