We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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