Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will be naked everywhere
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
