Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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