I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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