Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
