Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
