The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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