If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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