and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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