OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
