She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
