I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
