My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
