i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
