My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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