The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
