he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
