At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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