he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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