I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
