i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
