If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
