I bet he comes in French.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
