No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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