Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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