There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
