so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
