I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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