Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Life is so much better after having sex.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
