My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
