my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
