I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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