I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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