Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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