life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
