Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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