Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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