At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
