i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
