I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
