I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
